It has been a long time since young people in the West chose to move in together before marriage in order to make sure they are compatible. Cohabitation before marriage seems to be a reasonable strategy for couples to get to know each other. Sometimes you find out about your spouse’s fatal flaws after marriage, but at that point, it is too late to regret or undo what has been done. Unlike merchandise at a department store, marriage is not something you can return or exchange within 30 days of purchase. Therefore, you must be prudent before binding yourself permanently in wedlock.
Still, I would feel a little uneasy if my daughter announced she was moving in with someone for a premarital trial period. What if they lose the mystery, fight frequently and break up eventually? What if one side decides to end the relationship while the other is not ready to? I once saw an American graduate student couple break up after living together for one year because they found jobs in different cities. The man was willing to break up with the woman, but she was reluctant to part with him. I saw her weep copiously. It was a heartbreaking scene.
I asked one of my American friends from New York City if she approved of the “move-in” custom. “Oh, yes. I’m for it,” she said instantly. “It is necessary. I have a daughter who married one year after moving in with her partner. Some men are grumpy when they get up in the morning. Others are cranky when they go on trips. How could you stand that kind of man for the rest of your life?” Listening to her, I came to realize I was extremely lucky; if my wife and I had moved in before marriage, she would have left me immediately because I am grouchy in the morning and on the road.
“The problem is,” she continued, “you’d never know such things unless you lived together. If you find out about your partner’s serious, incorrigible flaws after marriage, it’s too late. And divorce leaves an indelible scar in your life.”
In Korea, one must be on guard against not only grumpy partners, but also those who are too fond of the bottle. Some men are heavy, vicious drinkers who easily lose their tempers when in their cups. These men, when drunk, exhibit rude and disorderly behavior around family members. The frightening thing is you would never know whether your partner is prone to drunken rages unless you lived with him or her in advance.
Later, I asked the same question to another American who was a professor at an American university. “I think the ‘move-in’ custom is okay,” said he. “I have two children. One got happily married after the move-in period. The other one got married without cohabitating first. So I think both systems are quite all right.”
“But in Korea,” I argued, “if you fall in love with someone, you want to marry the person despite his or her flaws. You are ready to embrace your lover’s unseen shortcomings and weaknesses. And you do not regret your decision, even though your marriage does not turn out to be as rosy as you expected.” Then I recited to him the famous phrase from Eric Segal’s “Love Story”: “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.” The professor smiled at me, saying, “You’re right, my friend. But this is not the 1960s and young people would no longer agree with you.”
A few days ago, I asked the same question to a renowned American poet who is 10 years younger than me. “I married after the move-in period,” he confessed. “As for my generation, we almost always marry after moving in together. But the younger generation is different. These days, many young people like to cohabitate for financial convenience and then break up easily after living together for a while.” Indeed, living with someone has its advantages such as being able to carpool, sharing living costs, enjoying a sexual partnership and so on.
I hear that these days, even in Korea cohabitation is beginning to be fashionable among young people. Since cultural differences have blurred due to rapid globalization and social networking, the world’s young people are mutually influential and even identical in many respects, as national boundaries rapidly break down. There may be practical reasons for the move-in custom, and if it works properly, you may benefit from the custom. Indeed, if you propose after you have a firm conviction that you and your spouse are meant for each other, the marriage will be everlasting.
Nevertheless, blind imitation of different customs may not always work due to cultural differences. We should be prepared for such a change. We just hope that in Korea, the move-in period is treated like an engagement period and that young people commit to marriage after the trial period, unless they discover decisive factors that will seriously jeopardize their marriage.
By Kim Seong-kon
Kim Seong-kon is a professor of English at Seoul National University and president of the Literature Translation Institute of Korea. He can be reached at sukim@snu.ac.kr. ― Ed.
