[AtoZ into Korean mind] Sexless marriages: Why more prevalent in S. Korea?

Ever since the arrival of her daughter six years ago, the precious little being has become the center of Park Eun-jeong's world. It also marked the beginning of a new dynamic in her marriage: a sexless, more companionate relationship with her husband.

“(After the baby was born,) we gradually drifted into a sexless relationship. I was tired from taking care of the baby and doing housework. My husband also looked exhausted when he came home. He no longer initiates it either,” Park, 43, who lives in Seoul, said.

Her daughter is now 6, but the couple sticks to the sleeping arrangement established at her arrival: The daughter shares a bedroom with mom, while dad sleeps in a separate room to avoid disrupting their sleep because he often comes home late, stays up late and gets up early.

While Park is not entirely satisfied with the situation, she does not perceive a significant problem with it, either. The lack of sexual intimacy between her and her husband isn’t enough to justify breaking up the family, which would have a life-changing impact on their child.

“How could I separate her from her father just because sparks between us have faded and we no longer have sex?” she said.

The Korea Herald wasn't able to interview Park’s husband, but if he is on the same page with her, they could be classified as a “sexless couple,” as defined by Japanese psychiatrist Teruo Abe. First introduced by him in 1991, the term refers to “married couples who, without any specific circumstances, have no sexual activity for one month or more by mutual agreement."

Data on sexless married couples is rare, especially in Korea. But it is safe to say that Park's sexless marriage is not uncommon in Korea.

A 2016 survey of 1,090 Korean nationals released by Korea's only sex clinic, the S Clinic in Seoul run by Dr. Kang Dong-woo, showed that 35.1 percent of married couples here were sexless. According to this study, Korea had the second-highest rate of sexless marriages among the countries surveyed, following Japan at 44.6 percent, while the global average stood at 20 percent.

Too tired to have sex?

The experts contacted by The Korea Herald generally agreed with Kang's 2016 finding that the prevalence of sexless marriages is higher here compared to in other societies.

In her interpretation, Bae Jeong-weon, head of the Happy Sex Culture Center in Seoul, which provides sex-related counseling and education, said many Koreans are simply too exhausted to have sex.

“Koreans lead such busy lives, devoting most of their energy to their public roles. Long working hours, highly competitive workplaces and frequent company dinners leave people utterly drained,” said Bae, who is also a former chair of the Korean Association for Sexual Health. “By the time they get home, they’re too tired to invest in personal relationships.”

Because people often don't think much about the importance of personal relationships, they often don't realize the joy those relationships can bring, she said.

"After expending all their energy at work, people collapse into bed and turn to their smartphones. They laugh at content, getting a small dopamine boost from that," she said.

Seoul resident Kim Jung-min, 46, couldn’t agree more. He said he cannot remember the last time he had sex with his wife.

“I fall asleep playing games on my phone or reading webtoons while my wife spends her time on Instagram or online forums for moms,” he said.

They sleep in the same bed, but they turn their backs to each other. This position is not intentional, nor does it reflect any tension in their relationship; it has simply developed as a way to avoid disturbing each other with the light from their devices, according to Kim.

“Once in a while, I think we should try to reconnect sexually. But when I think of early morning meetings and ongoing projects, I just feel too tired,” he said.

Perceptions of marriage

To explain the higher prevalence of sexless marriages in South Korea, Lim Choon-hee, professor in the Department of Child and Family Studies at Kunsan National University, points to the differences in how people perceive the marital union across cultures.

"In the West (today), marriage (usually) means the union between two individuals, independent of their original families. In such societies, the couple’s sexual relationship and emotional connection are key to the stability and satisfaction of the marriage," Lim writes in her article, “A Study on the Sexless Experience of Married Women in their 30s and 40s," co-authored with Shin Min-jeong in 2021.

However, "the meaning of marriage in contemporary South Korea, is more of a union between families rather than of individuals, placing greater value on materialistic values rather than love or affection,” Lim contrasted.

According to her, this situation explains why the influence of one’s original family remains strong even after starting a new family, and the tendency of couples to prioritize their children, or the family they created for them, over their own happiness in their relationship with each other.

Han Seong-yeul, an emeritus professor of psychology at Korea University, put it this way: “In Western countries, the couple is the center of the marriage. The culture constantly confirms that the two partners are sexually attracted to each by confessing their love and publicly showing their love, such as by kissing in public." The couple’s bedroom is “exclusively” for them, and even infants typically sleep separately, he noted.

But for the last several hundred years in Korea, the family structure has been centered patriarchally around the father and sons, who are male and support the family financially, according to Han.

During the Joseon era (1392-1910), people married out of the socioeconomic necessity of their families. Men and women were separated in the home in a microcosm of Neo-Confucian society writ large. It was customary for husbands and wives to live in different spaces in the home, with the husband in the "sarangbang" and the wife in the "anbang." They would come together to sleep only on auspicious days specifically chosen for the purpose of conceiving a son, according to Han.

“For Korean married couples, the primary purpose of sex was to produce offspring," he argued. Parents were not supposed to show love or sexual desire at all in front of their children.

Also, Korean society has been lenient regarding men fulfilling their sexual desires outside the home. He pointed to courtesans during the Goryeo and Joseon dynasties, known as "gisaeng," who were lower-class women providing artistic entertainment and sexual services to upper-class men.

Low libido?

Hearing these explanations, one might be tempted to fall into a stereotype about Koreans collectively lacking libido.

S Clinic's Kang, one of the country's few experts in the field of sexual medicine, says that is not the case.

"Koreans are not indifferent to sex," said Kang, who is a psychiatrist with training in urology from the Boston Medical Center's Center for Sexual Health. He also heads the Korean Institute for Sexual and Couple's Health, modeled after the Kinsey Institute, the American scientific research center renowned for its groundbreaking studies on sex, gender and reproduction.

He cited surveys including one conducted with patients at his own clinic, where 91.4 percent of respondents said sex is crucial to their lives and relationships.

If sex is indeed so critical to Koreans, then why did Kang's survey show that sexless marriages are statistically more prevalent here?

According to Kang's view, "Having sex with your partner requires a lot of energy, while when you pay for sex, no energy is needed, and you can easily get the desired stimulation.”

For men, the accessibility of the sex industry here is a contributing factor, he added, claiming that Korea is one of the easiest countries in which to buy sex, with brothels operating illicitly. He did not provide evidence to support his claims. Both acts of buying and selling sex are illegal in Korea.

"True sexual intimacy involves emotional communion and connection, but many Koreans lack that," according to Kang, "Instead, sex is often seen merely as an act of penetration, ejaculation and indulgence."

Han said it is easy for men to satisfy their sexual desires through the sex industry in Korea, and the adult entertainment industry continues to be centered around men.

He also mentioned that some Korean men do not view prostitution as infidelity.

According to his 2016 survey of his patients, 40.5 percent of men said prostitution does not count as an affair, while about 15 percent of women shared that view. The same survey found that 50.8 percent of the Korean men surveyed admitted to having engaged in an extramarital affair, compared to 9.3 percent of Korean women who reported the same.

He did not discuss the perspectives of women in Korea.

No sex -- does it matter?

Yang So-young, a divorce lawyer with 24 years of experience, said that 80-90 percent of her clients seeking a divorce are in sexless marriages. The remaining 10 percent of cases involve couples where one partner has a significantly higher level of sexual desire than the other, creating tension.

But “in my 24 years, I’ve never had a client explicitly cite a lack of sex as the main reason for divorce. It might be a hidden cause, but no one admits it, perhaps because acknowledging it might make them seem unsophisticated or as if they are acting on base instincts," Yang said.

“Korean couples rarely talk about sex openly,” she said. “They discuss finances, child-rearing and issues with in-laws, but not sex. Even when problems (related to sex) arise, they don’t attempt to address them.”

Many experts agree that a healthy relationship to and communication about sex can enhance intimacy and help resolve other marital issues. Still, professor Lim advised against making sweeping claims based on any one married couple's sex life, or lack of it.

These days in the Korean media, sexlessness in married couples is often portrayed as a sign of brewing conflict or an indicator of an unstable marriage.

Lim thinks not having sex could be one way for some couples to live peacefully together. “In such cases, sexless married couples may be able to maintain a peaceful relationship without serious discord,” she said.