Comparing marriage customs is often a great way to explore cultural variation between different parts of the world. In many Western countries, weddings are a personal celebration of the bride and the groom, joined by parents, relatives and friends. In Korea, a wedding is more like a community celebration, a public matter between two families, rather than a private occasion for the couple.
In the United States, therefore, the bride and groom’s guest list is often filled with friends. In Korea, however, the friends of the parents almost always outnumber the friends of the newlyweds. And the number of guests and congratulatory floral garlands displayed at the wedding hall reflect the social prestige of the parents. Sometimes, there is a secret rivalry between the two otherwise uniting families to see which side is more socially powerful and prestigious than the other.
Recently, I met an American at a Korean wedding ceremony where there were 400 people swarming in a standing room only wedding hall.
“Gosh! Who are these people?” he asked.
“They are mostly the friends of the parents,” I answered.
“What’re they doing here?” asked he. “Where are the friends of the bride and the groom?”
“They’re here, but there aren’t too many of them,” I replied. Then I explained another Korean custom to him. “It’s customary in Korea that the groom’s parents prepare a nesting place for the newlyweds, and the parents of the bride provide furniture and other household goods.”
“Really?” he clicked his tongue. “No wonder the parents meddle even after their children’s marriage.” Then he chuckled, adding, “I wouldn’t trade my freedom with gifts from my parents.”
Despite the differences between the East and the West, there are some striking similarities as well. For example, the relationship between in-laws is not always smooth. In Korea we have a maxim, “It is better to keep your in-laws and the outhouse as far as possible from your residence.” In the West, there are countless hilarious American movies that depict the awkward relationship between in-laws, like “The Bird Cage,” “The Family Stone,” “The In-laws,” “Meet the Fockers,” “Meet the Parents,” and “Monster-in-Law,” to name but a few.
In Korea, the bride’s father jokingly calls his future son-in-law a “bandit.” In fact, in the eyes of the bride’s father, his daughter’s boyfriend looks like a thief who steals his loving daughter from him.
The feeling, however, seems universal. For example, the American movie, “Father of the Bride,” vividly depicts the psychology of a father who has to face the fact that his beloved daughter will leave him suddenly for another man, who looks to him like a suspicious thug with a dubious future. The father knows it is time to let his daughter go, and yet, he is reluctant to do so, feeling that he is being abruptly and brutally deprived of something so precious and dear to him.
Likewise, in Korea, the groom’s mother humorously calls her daughter-in-law a “fire fox.” In the eyes of the groom’s mother, her son’s girlfriend looks like a cunning fox who steals her beloved son away. Suddenly, she finds that her little son who has loved her so dearly, does not need her anymore and is in the hands of another “young” woman. The feeling devastates her. She knows she should be pleased and happy, and yet, she cannot but grow disappointed to see her son’s full attention turn from her to his triumphant girlfriend instead.
It is no wonder, then, that in Korea the bride’s mother-in-law is traditionally known to be a ferocious tiger mom who constantly bugs and torments her daughter-in-law. Meanwhile, the daughter-in-law must gauge how the “wind blows,” studying her mother-in-law’s face all day long. So the mother-in-law can easily turn into a monster-in-law. But the times have changed now. These days, they say the mother-in-law studies her daughter-in-law’s face to see if she is upset. Finally, the tides have turned and now the fox outsmarts and overwhelms the tiger.
In the United States, however, there seems no problem between a mother and her daughter-in-law. Instead, the relationship between a mother and her son-in-law often seems to be problematic. In the famous television sit-com, “Married with Children,” there is a humorous scene of two men wrestling. Tired and gasping, both of them take out a photo of their mother-in-law from their wallets and show it to their opponent, as if they are pictures of Medusa. And the trick works! Both of the men are petrified instantly at the horrifyingly ugly face of the other’s mother-in-law. In the eyes of a man, his mother-in-law seems to be a dreadful, endlessly nagging, future version of his wife.
When young, we all were either a bandit or a fire fox who stole a precious child from a parent. As we grow old, we hopelessly see our children taken away by a bandit or a fire fox. But that is life. And we should enjoy these experiences as we go through the different stages of life, instead of feeling depressed or deprived. We should learn from the wisdom of King Solomon, who writes, “Generations leave and generations come, but the world remains forever.”
By Kim Seong-kon
Kim Seong-kon is a professor of English at Seoul National University and director of the Korea Literature Translation Institute. ― Ed
