[Kim Seong-kon] When ‘love’ becomes the L-word

In the eyes of foreigners, Americans look like very affectionate people who are not reluctant to express their affection freely. Indeed, Americans do not seem to refrain from hugging and kissing in public or habitually whispering “I love you” in their spouse’s ears. These days, many Koreans, too, have become Americanized and thus tend to say “I love you” to their loved ones frequently. In the past, however, most Koreans could not pronounce the phrase without blushing, even to thier husbands and wives. 

In the States, the usage of “love” is not necessarily limited to a person. You can also say, “I love it,” “I love this dress” or “I love that tie.” When Koreans refer to a dress or a tie, however, they almost always choose the word “like” instead of “love.” In fact, “I love this dress” sounds awkward in Korean. That means Koreans’ use of “love” is mostly limited to human beings, as it implies an extremely intimate relationship.

Recently, an American friend told me that these days most American young men tend to abstain from declaring “I love you” to their girlfriends. “Once you say it,” he went on, “you should make a commitment to her. Your freedom to go out with girls is canceled forever.” That is why “love” is called the L-word, and can be very hard to say, just like the F-word. According to him, the declaration of love entails responsibilities and obligations. So you want to shun it, if possible. Last week, one of my former American students proudly wrote to tell me that her boyfriend recently said “I love you” to her. Instantly, she received many “congrats” from her envious female friends.

Although I admire the American people’s respect for commitment, I still lament the fact that “love” has become a word to be shunned and is regarded as a metaphorical straightjacket. Is it not natural to want to whisper “I love you” to your soul mate? Is it not a bit weird if your boyfriend’s declaration “I love you” becomes a rare occasion to celebrate? How could you compare the L-word to the F-word in the first place? And would it not be a pleasure to love your girlfriend and express your feelings? Why, then, can you not confidently declare “I love you” to the girl of your dreams?

Alas! Things have changed. Last week, I showed a young woman the famous quote about love written by Bob Marley: “Only once in your life, you find someone who can completely turn your world around.” But she immediately retorted, “Only once in your life? My God! That’s so old-fashioned. You can find a number of men who can turn your world around.” At that moment, I realized that the days of falling in love “only once in your life” are gone forever.

Young people now think that they can fall in love many times with different partners. They even say, “Look around you. You can find so many attractive ‘dolsings (singles returned from marriage).’” They are different from those whom we used to call “divorced.” These dolsings are charming and have infinite possibilities, with no stigma attached. They have learned valuable lessons from the failure of their previous marriage and thus will be careful and cautious. Besides, virgins are hard to find these days anyway. What, then, is wrong with dolsings?

Nonetheless, I still like what Dr. Seuss said about love: “You know you’re in love when you can’t fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.” Anyone who has fallen in love would fully understand the meaning of this quote. Of course, the American way mentioned above is much better than frivolously declaring “I love you” to your girlfriend and then cheating on her later without remorse. That frequently happens in a society where people do not honor commitments and promises. In our society, too, I often come across such unreliable, irresponsible men who seriously lack a sense of responsibility and commitment.

Nonetheless, the American way still poses some serious problems. One problem is that young people tend to shun marriage, thinking of it as a shackle, thereby avoiding responsibility and commitment. Such a person would not know the sweet agonies or throbbing pain of love. The other problem is that young people often become sexually promiscuous because they think of marriage as a leash and thus would like to enjoy sexual freedom as much as possible before getting married. In that sense, the American custom of bringing an exotic dancer to the bachelor’s party seems to be a symbolic gesture of consolation for the groom, who won’t be able to enjoy sexual dissipation from that point on.

Perhaps I am hopelessly old-fashioned and romantic. Yet I think love should be different from shopping at a convenience store. What is love without responsibility and commitment anyway? 

By Kim Seong-kon

Kim Seong-kon is a professor of English at Seoul National University and president of the Literature Translation Institute of Korea. ― Ed.