[Kim Seong-kon] Independence versus family ties

We know Americans value independence and self-reliance. As soon as you graduate from high school in America, you are regarded as a grown-up and expected to be on your own. Upon entering college, often your parents will help you with either your tuition or living expenses, but rarely both. Of course, the extent of parental support differs by each family, and it is well known that partial financial support for a child’s college education is common in American society. 

Often, American college students must work part-time to make ends meet. In the States, money is not something that is simply given or inherited; money is something that you must earn through hard work. As the British poet W.H. Auden aptly perceived, making money in America proves one’s manhood, and many young Americans are trained in such a way from their early childhood.

However, making money is by no means an easy thing to do, especially for inexperienced young people. Oftentimes, college students have to work at fast food restaurants, and not all are particularly happy about their jobs. When I was a visiting professor at Pennsylvania State University, I once ran into one of my students sweeping the floor of a local buffet restaurant. When the student saw me walk in, he was so embarrassed that he hurriedly fled to the back.

Naturally, American young people are well aware of the importance of saving money. If you are alone and do not have a shoulder to lean on, you must save for a rainy day. Indeed, the fact that the English word “save” has many meanings is quite noteworthy. For example, Americans not only save money, but also save breath, save trouble, save time, save the day and even save someone’s life. While saving virtually everything, young Americans acquire an incredible level of thrift and endurance. And old habits die hard. Even after they become affluent, Americans are still fundamentally thrifty.

Meanwhile, American youth often rapidly lose their affection for and connection with their parents. I have met some young Americans who were disappointed with their parents’ unwillingness to offer financial help. I have also met others who even bear a grudge against their parents. Of course, many young Americans cope with early independence without any serious problems. But surely the more independent you become, the more your attachment and perhaps even affection for your parents diminish.

Once you enter college, therefore, family ties no longer seem very strong in America. But college freshmen are just kids fresh out of high school. They are lonesome and vulnerable, and perhaps not ready to be fully independent yet. Suddenly, however, they are forced to stand on their own, and such a burden may contribute to psychological problems.

In American society, there are a great number of relatively young American parents in their 40s and 50s, who lead a lonely life after sending their children away to college. When they become senior citizens, they become much lonelier, and even more distanced from their busy children. Likewise, there are many lonely young college students in America, who are involuntarily cut off from their parents’ care and support. Sometimes unable to find a part-time job, college students move into a girlfriend or boyfriend’s apartment to cut living costs and lean on each other.

On the contrary, Korean college students almost always seem to heavily depend on their parents. Traditionally in Korea, college is called the “Tower of Cow Bones.” Such a nickname came about from the fact that most parents have to sell their most important assets, which in the countryside are cows, to financially support their children who are in college. In Korea, it is generally the parents’ responsibility to pay tuition and living expenses for their children. Parents’ care and affection continue long after their children graduate from college, secure a job and get married. As a result, parents and children seem to have stronger and more affectionate ties in Korean society.

Notwithstanding the warmth such strong parent-child relations provide, we see many more mama’s boys and girls in Korean society. With the support of so-called helicopter parents, who constantly hover over their children and are ready at moments notice to rescue them, young Koreans lack independence. In Korea, indeed, it is not rare to find a jobless man in his 30s still living with his parents. In the States, however, such a man would be the local laughing stock, just like Howard Wolowitz who lives with his shrill-voiced, nagging mother in the American television series, “The Big Bang Theory.” Although, in recent years, with the economic downturn, I have heard that it has become more common for jobless American college graduates to move back into their parents’ homes as well.

Indeed, neither the American nor Korean system seems desirable, if pushed to the extremes. Once again, we should learn from each other, and try to find a solution somewhere in between. 

By Kim Seong-kon

Kim Seong-kon is a professor of English at Seoul National University and president of the Literature Translation Institute of Korea. He can be reached at sukim@snu.ac.kr. ― Ed.