Stress takes its toll on young parents

Every morning at Sungwon Daycare Center in Seongsu-dong, Seoul, when children exchange their hellos, the routine is to go around asking each other how they feel.

“I am sad,” says one of the 5-year-olds in the classroom. “Why?” the whole class asks him.

“Because my mom came home late last night. I couldn’t see her before going to bed. And when I woke up this morning, she already left for work.”

“It’s OK! It’s OK!” the kids tell him loudly with impish grins, as the teacher consoles him. “Going to work doesn’t mean your mom doesn’t love you. I’m sure she misses you at work right now.”

At Sungwon, one of the state-run day care centers, children arrive as early as 7:30 a.m. and stay as late as 9 p.m. Many of them are children of double-income families, whose parents don’t have any extended family members to help with child care.

As of 2013, there are more than 5 million double-income households in Korea, accounting for 43 percent of all households in the country.

With an increasing number of women in the workforce, along with poor work-life balance, more young parents are said to be suffering from parental stress, which inevitably reflects on the well-being of their children.

Park Chun-hwa, one of the day care workers at Sungwon, said she’s been witnessing a growing number of children with behavioral and developmental problems ― many of them apparently resulting from the lack of interaction with their parents.

One of the kids she’s taken care of, who was 3 years old, hadn’t been toilet trained and arrived at the center wearing diapers on his first day.

“I would train him during weekdays, but he’d return the next week in wet diapers again,” she told The Korea Herald. “Being busy as a working parent is one thing. But there are also responsibilities that all parents should be fulfilling.”

For a 30-year-old working mother surnamed Jung with a 4-year-old son, the biggest challenge about child care is the sense of helplessness. With both her parents and in-laws living about four hours away from Seoul, Jung currently sends her child to a day care center, where he spends about eight to 10 hours a day.

“On top of the stress from work, the worst feeling is this sense of living in the dark,” she told The Korea Herald.

“I’m supposed to be in charge of child care but very often I have no idea if I’m doing it right. My son was a late talker, and I was devastated thinking it was my fault (because I couldn’t quit my job for him). I would constantly think I may be doing something wrong and it would make me anxious, guilty and even depressed.”

Overseas studies have long shown that personal stress influences a parent’s behavior toward their children. Parents who are financially struggling or having marriage stress have a higher chance of abusing ― or neglecting ― their children, according to a 1991 study by Michigan State University.

Along with stress, social isolation of a parent because of having to raise a child alone has also been linked to child abuse and neglect, according to a 2002 report by the World Health Organization.

On top of poor work-life balance, the limited number of public day care centers has been a problem for many parents in recent years. While the state-run facilities ― known for their quality programs and cheaper tuition ― have been popular among parents, very few have benefited from the service because of their scarcity. As of 2012, public day care centers only accounted for 5.2 percent of all day care facilities in the country, according to Korea Institute of Child Care and Education.

But ultimately, healthy and constructive child care depends on individual efforts by the parents, experts said.

Choi Yoon-sook, the president of Sungwon Day Care Center, said it was important for parents to actively seek help for parental stress if needed and educate themselves on child care. Physical and mental well-being of a parent, as well as their awareness and knowledge, are important for their child’s development, she said.

“Children are a mirror of their parents,” she said. “If a child is not paying attention when someone else is talking, the chances are his parents don’t pay attention to him when he tries to talk to them.”

Choi said a significant factor in parental abuse is that many of the abusers mistake violence as a way to discipline their children.

In Korea, the number of child abuse cases increased by 44 percent last year from 2013, with 80 percent of the abusers being parents.

According to the 2002 WHO report, many child abuse survivors develop a number of psychological problems, including anxiety disorders and depression as well as feelings of shame and guilt.

“This is why educating parents is important,” she said. “I really think there should be more support and educational programs for young parents.”

For working parents with limited time, Choi said it’s about quality not quantity. “Try to give your full attention to your child every day, even if it means just 30 minutes a day,” she said.

“You have to be consistent. The point is to do it every day and build trust over time. This eventually lets your child know that you care in spite of your busy schedule.”

An Hui-jean, a professional counsellor, advises parents to put their spouses before their children, as “happy marriages produce happy children.” Most Korean families have traditionally been child-centric, she said, meaning many parents would sacrifice their marital or personal happiness to support their children.

“Your first priority should be your spouse and yourself, not your children ― always,” she said.

“Marriage, not children, is the foundation of a family. Studies have shown that those who were raised by content parents who put their marriage first are happier than those who grew up in child-centric homes led by unhappy parents or parents with marital conflict.”

By Claire Lee (dyc@heraldcorp.com)