[AtoZ into Korean mind] Patriarchal values lose hold: Korean fathers want to change but lack role models

Oh Yoon-suk, a 43-year-old office worker in Busan, addresses his father -- but not his mom -- using honorifics.

“I call my mother ‘eomma,’ but with my father, it’s always been ‘abeoji,’” he explained.

“Eomma” is a less formal term for “mother,” while “abeoji” is a more respectful way of saying “father.” It’s similar to saying “father” instead of “dad.”

Oh’s linguistic choice reflects the emotional distance he feels with each of his parents.

“I can imagine going on a trip or to an exhibition with my mother, just the two of us. But I can’t picture doing the same with my father. It would be too awkward,” he said.

While Oh’s use of honorifics might be particular to his family, his less close relationship with his father, compared to with his mother, is not uncommon among South Koreans of his generation.

Korean fathers have typically been defined by their financial role, leaving child-rearing largely to the child's mother. This division of labor fosters an authoritarian father figure who is rarely home and, when home, remains aloof in household matters. The mother meanwhile bonds closely with the children, developing stronger attachment bonds.

Contemporary Korean society, however, is rewriting the script on fatherhood. As the percentage of women working has climbed in recent years, men are also expected to share household duties and child care. The grip of patriarchal values has loosened.

While this shift is widely viewed as a positive change, in actual day-to-day life it presents challenges for fathers of all ages.

Older men, accustomed to a more detached paternal role, have struggled to adapt. Younger fathers, eager to form closer bonds with their children, often find themselves at a loss, as they were raised differently.

Why are fathers of older generations so hard to approach?

In many Korean TV dramas sticking to typical patriarchal family stereotypes, fathers are depicted as stern, even intimidating figures. Their presence creates an atmosphere of fear, hindering open communication as they dictate to their adult children what they should or should not do.

Likewise, Oh said his perception of his father growing up was of a strict person prone to scolding him.

Retired from his job at a conglomerate, Gyeonggi Province resident Yoon, 63, a father himself, defends this paternalistic style. Those fathers, too, were loving parents who acted in what they believed to be their children’s best interests.

In an era in which men expressing their emotions was seen as a weakness, many fathers suppressed their feelings, Yoon explained.

“I thought a good father was one who was strict. That’s how I was raised," he said.

However, in recent years even older fathers have begun to question this model, recognizing it can lead to isolation from other family members.

“My younger daughter calls her mother every weekend, but never me,” said Jang Young-ho, 65, a retired office worker in Seoul. “I only get to talk to her when she’s on the phone with her mother and I interrupt them.”

Another father in his 60s, Min, a retired office worker living in Bundang, Gyeonggi Province, expresses regret.

“I don’t feel lonely, but I wish I’d spent more time with my family. I’m relieved to have provided financially, but I’d advise young fathers to prioritize family and not postpone their lives for work,” said Min, who only gave his surname.

The face of fatherhood has evolved over time, in line with changes in Korean society, though some experts argue there was a tipping point: the 1997 Asian financial crisis.

"The financial crisis and the transition to a five-day workweek (in the early 2000s) were major events that allowed fathers to break away from the culture of focusing on quantitative growth and a workaholic lifestyle, and to begin valuing personal time with family," Lee Jae-in, director of the Korea Childcare Promotion Institute, wrote in a 2010 paper, which is based on in-depth interviews with 12 male office workers at large Korean companies.

Young fathers lack role models

A February report by the KB Financial Group Management Research Institute, titled “Struggling to Balance Work and Family: The 30-Something Modern Dad,” revealed a dramatic shift in priorities among fathers over the past decade.

Comparing Statistics Korea’s relevant surveys from 2013 and 2023, the report found that while 63.8 percent of men had prioritized work over family in 2013, this figure plummeted to 39.9 percent by 2023. Conversely, those prioritizing family jumped from 8.3 percent to 16.5 percent. Men in their 30s led the charge.

However, these young fathers face challenges. Jeon Hyo-jun, 38, who works in finance in Seoul, described the lack of role models.

“My dad was a strict high school teacher,” he said. “I don’t want my son to feel that way about me. But I often catch myself talking like my dad.”

Moreover, despite these shifts in ideals of fatherhood, practical obstacles to fulfilling them persist.

"In my office, working moms might need to take a day off to attend to a sick child or a school event, or decline working overtime because they need to make dinner for their kids. If working dads were to do the same, they would risk being seen as having completely given up on promotions," said Choi Hyung-cheol, 38, also a worker in Seoul's financial industry.

“I feel there are different expectations for men, such as needing to prioritize social responsibilities,” he added.

Data from the Ministry of Employment and Labor showed that fathers accounted for almost one-third of all takers of parental leave in the first half of this year, the highest figure on record.

In 2016, only 8.7 percent of the total workers on child care leave were fathers.

But in reality, Kim Sang-hyun, 41, who works at a Seoul construction firm, said it is still difficult for men to take leave.

“I often hear in the news about men taking parental leave, but it feels unreal for me,” he said, adding that no men on his team have ever taken leave.

“Plus, seeing even my female colleagues who joined the company at the same time not get promoted after returning from parental leave makes it even harder to consider.”

Kim Rando and Jeon Mi-young, the researchers behind the annual trend forecasting book series Trend Korea, also acknowledge the difficulties of living up to the new father role Korean society now expects.

The book picked "Not like old daddies, millennial hubbies" as a trend for 2024, describing fathers in their 30s and 40s who prioritize family over work.

Jeon cautioned that increased demands on both parents can deter young people from marriage and parenthood.

“As both spouses are expected to balance work and home life, marriage, childbirth and child care are becoming increasingly burdensome for young people,” she said.

"A to Z into the Korean mind" traverses the complexities of the Korean psyche, examining an array of mental and emotional phenomena and their cultural nuances through keywords in alphabetical order. – Ed.