[Grace Kao] Taking gratitude into our own hands

I received a handwritten thank-you card from my childhood friend’s daughter this week. I sent a birthday check a little while ago. I very much appreciated it, and it shows that my friend has taught her daughter well, and that her daughter has good manners. I constantly remind my students to write thank-you notes (even a simple email message). I dare not ask them to handwrite thank-you cards. However, every so often, a handwritten thank-you card will appear. It is an exceedingly rare event. Still, people of my generation expect it despite rarely receiving them.

In the world of K-pop, when idols are accused of a minor infraction or a serious crime, they are expected to issue a handwritten apology letter to their fans. I think the handwritten element is a requirement -- it shows that they took time to write the message and expresses their sincerity. It is also the only way for fans to know that their manager didn’t write it for them. I began wondering if my expectation of a thank-you card in my everyday life is related to the apology notes that fans expect idols to issue. I know they are not directly comparable, but there is something satisfying about receiving a handwritten note.

I don’t know why it’s so hard to convey the importance of thank-you notes to young people. I remind them that if someone took 15 minutes, 30 minutes, or an hour to meet with you to give you help, the least you can do is to spend 15 seconds to write a thank you message. Really, how hard is it to do this? Once, my colleague and friend and I ran a workshop for Ph.D. students who were on the industry and/or academic job market. In the 90-minute session, we repeatedly mentioned the importance of writing thank-you notes after a meeting with anyone as a necessity. It is a way to distinguish yourself from the tens if not hundreds of people they may have met recently in a professional setting. Between the two of us, we likely mentioned it 30 times (so an average of once every 3 minutes). Guess how many thank-you notes we received after this session: zero.

On another occasion, my friend who is the director of an academic press came to our campus to give a presentation, giving guidance on how to prepare a book proposal. She brought copies of journals and books and matched the subject matter with the individuals she met with -- these were 30-minute long meetings where my friend gave wise counsel based on her more than 25 years of experience in the industry -- gratis. Guess how many thank-you notes she received: zero. I had to nag folks to write to her. Of course, no one sent a handwritten thank-you card.

Of course, it’s not just in the academic world where individuals take people’s help for granted. In my everyday life, it is also rare to receive a thank-you card after sending a gift. I don’t know if my rate of issuing thank-you notes is 100 percent, but it is nearly so (especially if you count email messages). Still I write many more thank-you notes than I receive, and I help more people and give out more gifts than I receive. (This ratio is not even close given my seniority).

Etiquette guru Emily Post says that only in the event that you opened the gift in front of the giver are you exempt from writing a thank-you note. According to the website, small favors (such as being a houseguest, attending a dinner party, being treated for coffee), thank-you notes can come in the form of an email. However, for gifts received, attendance at a party where extensive organization occurred, after receiving gifts or notes of well wishes should be acknowledged with a handwritten card. Alas, probably no one reads Emily Post anymore.

Coming back to the comparison between everyday Americans and Korean idols, I found an interesting study by Yang Eun-mi that examined cultural variations in the use of gratitude versus apology -- in correspondence, Koreans were more likely to use apologetic language in requesting favors while Americans used gratitude statements. I don’t know if that means that Koreans are more likely to be expected to write notes of apology than Americans. However, it does mean that Americans (or at least this American) are more likely to expect messages of gratitude. Interestingly, I’ve received more thank-you notes and gifts from my friends in Korea.

Every year I consider giving boxes of thank-you cards as Christmas gifts. I’ve never done it, but I wonder how many thank-you cards I would receive for that gift. I suspect it would be -- you guessed it -- zero.

Grace Kao

Grace Kao is an IBM professor of sociology and professor of ethnicity, race and migration at Yale University. The views expressed here are the writer’s own. -- Ed.