[AtoZ Korean Mind] 'Ojirap,' navigating the fine line between care and intrusion

Kim Eun-hye, 36, instantly regretted mentioning she had gone on a blind date over the weekend. Immediately after her remarks, the usually dull lunchtime conversation with her senior colleagues came to life.

The two married seniors bombarded her with questions about her date: what's his job, where does he live, how tall is he? While Kim wasn’t really sure whether she should meet him again, they insisted she give him a chance, saying he could be the best option for someone her age. The discussion then expanded to at what age women should have children and why it should be before 40 for health and financial reasons.

Kim managed to end the conversation by saying, "I'll figure it out myself," and repeating that two more times.

Kim's situation exemplifies dealing with what Koreans describe as "ojirap": getting unwanted life advice from busybodies on all matters of one's personal life.

The term originally means the front hem of the outer garment worn on the upper body. A "wide ojirap" -- as the expression goes -- covers more inner clothing. Metaphorically, this expression describes someone who likes to involve themselves in matters that don't concern them, similar to how a wide front part of a garment would cover more than is necessary.

It has a negative connotation, implying that the person is overly intrusive into others’ affairs.

Han Min, a psychology lecturer at Ajou University and author of multiple books related to Korean culture and psychology, describes ojirap as a common tendency among Koreans, who tend to be very interested in others' affairs.

Han argues that Koreans tend to be comparatively more meddlesome in others’ business than people in other societies. To explain why, he pointed to familialism, which has historically had a significant influence in Korea.

“In Korea, local communities were traditionally organized at the village level, predominantly composed of families and relatives sharing the same surname. The people one would meet throughout the day in one's neighborhood were mostly one's family members or relatives," Han said.

"This cultural phenomenon continues to influence modern society, as evidenced by Koreans’ common use of family terms like ‘sister,’ ‘brother,’ ‘aunt’ and ‘uncle’ even when addressing non-family members."

Han believes that in relationships where people refer to each other using family terms, there is often a perception that it is acceptable to interfere in each others' affairs because they are as close as family.

This phenomenon can even extend to workplaces where the relations between workers are professional.

“Supervisors sometimes view their subordinates as if they were their nieces, nephews or younger siblings, leading them to interfere in a well-meaning but often intrusive manner,” he said. “From the younger person's perspective, this could feel burdensome and uncomfortable.”

Park Hyuck-jin, 33, who works for a government agency, travels overseas almost every Lunar New Year with his wife. If they stay home, it’s difficult to avoid family gatherings where their very inquisitive uncles and aunties would be in attendance, he said.

“The topics (of their questions) in my teens were mostly about my prospects for getting into a good college, which shifted to my job prospects in my 20s, and then to my marriage prospects in my 30s. After I got married, they are telling me to have a child as early as possible," he said. "My wife and I agreed to enjoy our time more before having a kid, but the elders do not understand this."

"In Korea, it’s as if every issue has one correct answer and people feel compelled to mould their lives to fit what is seen as the one right answer, following the same path," Park said. "It seems we do not admit there are 'different' ways and 'different' options."

Despite the negative connotation of the word ojirap, Han believes nosiness is not always bad. Depending on the relationship, perceived closeness can lead people to care for each other’s lives as if they were their own, and the person on the receiving end can view it as coming from a place of care.

Han said this even applies to superior-junior relationships at work in Korea.

“Our culture is quite authoritarian and hierarchical, but even those in higher positions have their obligations. They are expected to take care of their subordinates and treat them to meals and pay attention to their concerns,” he said. “In such a relationship, the ojirap of one's senior can be looked at positively, such as giving juniors emotional support or assistance in other ways.”

Jin Eun-young, who authored the children's book "Another Day of Ojirap," agrees on the positive side of ojirap, particularly as Koreans become more individualistic.

"These days, ojirap often has negative connotations, implying unnecessary interference in others' affairs. However, when I think of ojirap, my mother comes to mind first. Her meddling comes from a place of wanting to help others."

"When someone is in a bad situation, we don’t just pass by or look at them indifferently. We pay attention and try to get involved actively. I think that is the positive side of ojirap," she said.

Jin added that, unlike in the past, Korean society is losing its neighborhood communities, leading to increased fragmentation, especially in big cities. People often don’t even know their next-door neighbors, and this growing disconnect contributes to a rising indifference about the well-being of others. “All this is contributing to a more cynical society,” she said.

A society where people are interested in and care about each other is a better place to live than one filled with cold, indifferent strangers, she said.

A real anecdote from 2021 illustrates this point. Lee In-ja, a 57-year-old small grocery store owner, demonstrated the positive side of having a wide ojirap while handling a customer’s purchase -- two bottles of soju and quick-burning charcoal briquettes -- at the checkout counter. The owner tried to engage in friendly conversation, asking the female customer if she was planning a barbecue. The customer did not respond.

Sensing something was off about the customer, the owner took note of the customer’s car plate number, as she left. After hesitating for a while, she decided to report it to the police. The police tracked down the car and found the customer contemplating suicide. The customer, who was suffering from depression, was escorted back to her family.

"Thanks to the keen observation of a citizen who didn't overlook something suspicious and the quick response of the police, we were able to prevent a potential accident,” the police said. “A small act of concern from someone is helping to create a warmer society.”

Author Jin said that she wrote her book "Another Day of Ojirap" for children, hoping to encourage them to foster helpful relationships rather than becoming too cynical with each other.

"While excessively meddling in someone's affairs can be intrusive and offensive, genuine acts of concern can often create a warmer, more connected society," she said. "I believe what we need now is warm-hearted ojirap."