[Weekender] Anxious, avoidant or somewhere in between? Koreans tap into attachment theory to hack love

Is the Myers-Briggs personality test still the go-to for dating compatibility? If you ask young Koreans, some say, "Not anymore." The trend is shifting, and they’ve found a better playbook.

The playbook, in the language of attachment theory, reads: Avoidant types often ghost, anxious types tend to cling. Secure types strike a balance.

As a fresh approach to understanding emotional patterns in relationships, the theory has gained popularity in contemporary dating, especially in Korea. Rather than simply measuring compatibility, it reveals the emotional dynamics at play and offers deeper insights into both your partner and yourself.

Test the waters

Seoul-based university student Kim, 23, shared that her friends dished out some relationship wisdom a few months ago: Not to date men with an avoidant attachment style.

Her friends told her that these men would "keep her on edge" with their frequent breadcrumbing and tendency to shy away from emotional intimacy and communication.

Following their advice, Kim took a free online version of the test and discovered that she has a disorganized attachment style. "My friends were right after all," she said. "But not entirely -- when I searched online, I found out that an anxious type could also be red flag for me."

Attachment theory -- pioneered by British psychiatrist and psychoanalyst John Bowlby and developed by American Canadian developmental psychologist Mary Ainsworth -- posits that emotional bonds formed in early childhood with primary caregivers shape how individuals behave in intimate relationships throughout their lives.

The four attachment styles -- anxious, avoidant, disorganized and secure -- are somewhat self-explanatory.

People with a secure attachment style are typically self-confident, trust others and feel comfortable in close relationships.

The other three types represent insecure forms of attachment in intimate relationships. The anxious attachment style tends to fear abandonment and seeks emotional validation, while the avoidant type remains wary of emotional intimacy and does not rely on others. Disorganized attachment, also known as the fearful avoidant, represents an internal tug-of-war between the desire for and the fear of close relationships.

The exact origins of Koreans' interest in attachment theory aren't clear, but it seems to have become popular around 2019 and 2020 on social media and on the Channel A television show "Oh Eun Young's Golden Clinic," featuring the celebrity psychiatrist using the theory to explain romantic relationships.

Attachment theory has gained popularity among Koreans, fueled by a long-standing cultural interest in categorizing and labeling personality types through approaches like MBTI and blood type, along with a surge in social media content on dating and relationships during and following the height of the COVID-19 pandemic.

On Everytime, an online forum platform for verified college students, one anonymous user claimed that attachment theory is the key to understanding your partner -- not the 16 personality types of the MBTI test.

"Most people fall into three categories: secure, avoidant or anxious. You can infer which type your boyfriend or girlfriend is based on their personality traits and, in doing so, better understand the motives behind their actions," the user explained.

In a different post, a user asked, "What's your attachment style? Mine's secure."

"I'm jealous," one commenter replied. "I think I'm an anxious type, but if my partner is more anxious, I tend to become avoidant." In response to another user's question about how to know a partner's style, the user said they had learned a lot from friends and videos on YouTube.

For one, psychiatrist Yang Jae-jin, during a televised lecture on tvN, advised asking your partner about their relationship with their parents to gain insight into whether you'd like to be with that person.

The expert stated that extreme cases, where the parent-child relationship is either too distant or too enmeshed, can both be considered “problematic.”

Know thyself

Besides its valuable role in determining compatibility, some view one's attachment style more as a tool for self-reflection and personal growth.

For 32-year-old Park Kyung-hoon, the past decade of his love life was a whirlwind of emotional highs and lows until he realized that the key to unlocking it lay within himself.

“Blaming others is behind me now, as I’ve come to understand I am an anxious type,” he said. “It is crucial to come to terms with who I am when it comes to intimate relationships.”

Kim also said she is working toward becoming more securely attached. “My goal is to become emotionally secure and find a partner with similar stability.”

Psychiatrist Oh Eun-young, during an appearance on her TV program, endorses such attempts at transformation: “A secure attachment style can be developed through effort (in adulthood).”

It's easier said than done, however, according to Chung Chan-seung, a psychiatrist and director of the Social Responsibility Committee of the Korean Neuropsychiatric Association.

"Changing what has been ingrained in you since childhood takes much more effort,” he said. “Self-awareness must come first, followed by emotional support from your partner.”

Chung described attachment styles as a delicate dance, where the partner's attachment style sets the rhythm of the relationship. "Depending on whom you meet as your partner, you may feel more secure, or, on the other hand, more anxious or avoidant."

Studies have suggested that individuals with a deeper understanding of their own and their partner's attachment styles can experience more fulfilling relationships.

An article titled, “Adult Attachment Styles in Romantic Relationships in University Students: Relationship Addiction, Fear of Intimacy and Interpersonal Competence,” published in the Korean journal, Family and Family Therapy, and authored by Kim Jin-hee, a home economics professor at Kyungnam University, emphasized the need for educational support to help Koreans in maintaining healthy relationships.

"Education programs, such as group counseling based on attachment types, would promote self-awareness of their characteristics and help them foster healthy relationships with romantic partners by recognizing potential problems,” the paper stated. “Such programs are also expected to mitigate societal issues like dating violence and post-breakup crimes."

By delving into attachment theory, some have come to realize the profound impact of child-rearing on children’s emotional development.

On Blind, an online forum for anonymous discussions about workplace experiences, one user asked whether she could raise her child to develop a secure attachment style despite her own insecurities.

“My husband has an almost perfectly secure attachment style,” she shared, identifying herself as having a disorganized style. “I hope my child grows up like my husband, in a household full of love, and becomes a confident person.”

“I monitor my behavior to ensure I don’t repeat my parents’ disciplinary methods. I worry that I might unwittingly exert a negative influence on my child,” the post read.